Old habits die

Good habits are so important, but they are one thing I have always struggled with; sticking to routines. Whether it's something fun, like learning the piano (when I was a kid), or something essential, like brushing my teeth or taking my meds, my brain just will not let me form a habit. 

When I start something new, I can stick to it for a few days (because it's new/novel). It piques my interest and gives me a little hit of dopamine. Inevitably, it will drop out of my head after a few days or weeks, never to return! 

It's embarrassing to talk about - especially with regards to my dental hygiene. I remember at university, I had a sink and vanity in my room in halls, and every day I would walk past it, forgetting to brush my teeth.

But why can't you just remember?

Every morning, at 10:15 when a notification tells me to take my medication, it's a surprise. I MIGHT remember without the reminder, but I probably won't. I have been on daily medication for at least 3 years... but I still can't do it consistently without an alarm.

I have no explanation, other than... maybe it's my ADHD.

On the advice of my ADHD coach, I started using Alexa (other robotic overlords are available) to supplement my poor working memory... It is connected to my work calendar, which means I have to have all my personal tasks in my work calendar... but that's not too much of a hassle, and it has really worked! 

Alexa, remind me!

Now that I can download all the things I have to remember to a device, I have more space in my head for other things, and I no longer have to stress about forgetting things (I also don't have to constantly ask Nickie to remember things for me!)

This past week Alexa has helped me:

1. Take my medication (and supplements) every day.
2. Attend an Aquafit class that I definitely would have forgotten about!
3. Go for a walk with a pal.
4. Book next week's Aquafit bang on 10pm when the slots open.
5. Go to the gym.

The second thing I introduced was a checklist designed by my bestie Rebecca. It's just a really simple table that has my daily tasks on it that I tick off each day. It's a visual reminder that helps me see my progress!

And then I saw this...

@kieladam

Gamify ##ExecutiveDysfunction with ##MomentumTracker! ##ADHD ##ADHDTikTok ##AdultADHD ##Neurodiverse ##Neurodivergent ##AdultingIsHard ##T1D ##Type1Diabetes

♬ Death Of A Strawberry (Instrumental) - Dance Gavin Dance

This awesome guy has created a deck of cards with his tasks and some more cards with "Momentum Points" so that he gets a little win every time he completes a task, which gives him a nice hit of dopamine! I have had some success gamifying tasks in the past... "Beat the Kettle", where I try and wash as many dishes as I can before the kettle whistles, has actually led to me clearing up in the kitchen far more than I used to!

I might try making some of these Momentum Cards after Pride (as long as I don't forget they exist in the meantime)... "Alexa, remind me about Momentum cards in one week!"

It's a bad day

Today is what, in the past, I would have simply called a bad day or I might have said I was feeling stressed. Researching further into ADHD, I now have the language to explain how I'm feeling. 

It's not stress really though, it's struggling to regulate my emotions. Last night I worked late on some data analysis for work, which threw my whole schedule into disarray. Because work finished later, winding down happened later, and so sleep happened later. I already fall asleep quite late anyway; delayed sleep phase syndrome is often associated with ADHD. While Nickie is snoozing away next to me, I am often wide awake until after midnight. It takes me longer to wind down, and fall asleep.

Last night, I also experienced broken sleep due to the cat waking me up at 4am. I then struggled to fall back to sleep. All in all, it was a crap night, and because of this a few things happened.

1. I snapped at my boss; I couldn't control the words that came out of my mouth.
2. I completely forgot how to do my job; the simple task of getting through my morning became insurmountable.
3. Everything gained a few extra steps; my automatic behaviour really suffered, for example, making a coffee - I had to abandon the milk pan in the sink because cleaning it was one step too many.
4. Everything aches; not enough sleep means that my dopamine is probably quite low. As I mentioned in my last blog, low dopamine can contribute to aching joints and muscles, and I'm really feeling that today.
5. Distraction is off the charts; I just can't focus on my work.

We all have bad days

So how do I combat all of this?

First I let my manager know that I hadn't slept well and apologised for snapping. Then I looked up some dopamine-enhancing food and started a food shop for delivery later in the week (it's low saturated fat and high animal-based protein). I also looked into Tyrosine supplements, and my try those next month if the diet doesn't do anything.

Next, I ate breakfast - a bacon sandwich and a coffee. It was late, but it definitely helped to have some calories in me. I realised that my ADHD coach was right and I need to make myself a "Job Bible" with all of my processes written down (just for me) and a full minute-by-minute schedule of what I do every day, so on days when I can't remember how to do my job, I have a reference guide. I switched on some soothing music "Pure Moods 1997 re-release". That's currently really helping.

Finally; I forgave myself for not being a "good human" today. We all have bad days, and whether it's related to ADHD or if I'm just struggling a little for other reasons, that's fine. Nobody died. The work will get done. 

One week in

A

week ago, it was my birthday. And my first day as a diagnosed ADHDer. I could scarcely believe it when lovely psychiatrist said “yes, you do have symptoms of ADHD, I’d like to try you on some medication”. It was immediately unexpected and completely unsurprising… I wasn’t just a “totally useless human”. 

ADHD is rather a misnomer. I don’t have a deficit of attention, I have plenty of it, I just can’t focus it in the right place. It should be called DDHD - dopamine deficit hyperactivity disorder! 

Things I’ve learned in my first week:

1. Lack of dopamine can cause physical pain. This explains so much! Most days I have muscle and joint pain for no reason.
2. Clumsiness is next to godliness. The fact that I constantly drop things, trip over things, and get my feet caught in the wires under my feet is directly related to ADHD.
3. I have ALWAYS been this way. ADHD is a lifelong neurodevelopmental disorder. I have spent my entire life trying to fit into a world designed for neurotypical people. I’ve been a square peg in a round hole. The diagnosis is backdated… like PPI!
4. It’s going to be ok. I told my manager that I have ADHD and she asked for a chat. She was SO understanding and kind. I told her I have problems with organisation and timekeeping and she said “you don’t come across that way at all”. I said, “if I appear organised, it’s because I’ve worked so so hard to make it work”…. (I’ve been having coaching from Access to Work) And then she said…”you don’t come across as organised; you ARE organised!”…