Down with the sickness

Despite being quite physically poorly last week with laryngitis and a bad cold, it has been a positive week (not least because it wasn't Covid, I did 3 tests!) I put this down to doing actual self-care, and resting.

But what does that have to do with my ADHD? 

I have spent so much of my life giving myself rules like "if you take a day off work, you can't go out at the weekend, even if you feel better" and "if you're well enough to sit out in the hammock all day, you're well enough to go to work ". I have always punished myself for being unwell, but I have never known why. This generally leads to me going into work sick until somebody sends me home, coming back to work too early and having to go sick again, or missing out on things that I am actually well enough to do because I feel like I don't deserve it. 

This is due to an inability to emotionally regulate, and RSD - Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Being criticised causes physical pain and makes me believe that; everyone hates me, I'm going to lose my job, I have upset my wife... etc etc. Because of this, I often struggled with taking care of myself. I would go to work when I was clearly too ill. I would push through pain. I would deny myself basic self-care as I punished myself for stuff that wasn't my fault.

But last week was different. I cancelled my Monday walk as I just couldn't manage it. I also cancelled my exercise classes (and got a credit note so I didn't lose any money). I also didn't punish myself for not going to aquafit or the gym. I was ill, and even though it's not covid, it was really important that I avoid interacting with too many people.

I had a bath, let the steam soothe my sore throat and relaxed with my VirginGo app and QI on Dave. 

I actually went to the doctor, something I have avoided doing through the pandemic. I thought it might be tonsillitis because I could barely speak and couldn't swallow. 

I took a day of sick leave on the advice of my brilliant manager so that I could actually recover.

That was last week. 

This week, Nickie has caught my lurgy, but I'm at the tail end... thankfully! So we're doing everything we can to improve our immune systems - vitamin c, Yakult (because gut health is so important to overall health), plenty of rest, chicken soup... 

Should I have been a troubadour?

I had a thought the other day, about how “ADHD and Autism never existed in history”, and realised that in pre-industrial society, autistic people, who weren’t very good at socialising, but knew every detail about every sheep in their flock, probably made brilliant shepherds who would happily stay on the moors with their sheep. 

And ADHDers who were creative and couldn’t keep still were probably troubadours and artists, or fruit pickers who moved from town to town. 

It’s only since the industrial revolution began that working in tedious professions for 8 hours per day, and enforced socialisation has made life unbearable for neurodivergent people. 

Even today, in those communities that don’t rely on 8 hour working days, and see people for who they are and what they can bring to the entire community and not how productive they are, you don’t really hear about ADHD and autism… they aren’t a problem needing to be fixed, just different neurotypes that fit into society.

Maybe I would have made a terrific troubadour…

What do you think?

Chaos

What a weekend, and back to work tomorrow. It was Manchester Pride and I did a couple of drag shifts on the door of Club Tropicana. Brilliant! 

The only problem was that it threw my routine out of whack! So, I forgot to take my medication (anti-depressants) on Saturday, couldn't sleep Saturday night until 6am, and was so busy on Monday that I barely sat down. My dopamine levels were, and still are, on the floor. I left chaos throughout the house, and even though Nickie kindly tidied my office on Saturday afternoon, by the next day it was a mess again.

I then took my medication late on Monday and then wondered why I was having stomach cramps on Tuesday - a sure-fire indication of Citalopram withdrawal (that's my anti-depressants). This always happens when my schedule changes; whether it's a change in work schedule (the main reason I prefer a 9-5), an event (it always used to happen when I was hosting my drag night), or even just some annual leave, if I'm not doing what I'm normally doing on any given day, I lose the ability to manage my day.

It's another "why can't a be normal" thing. My plan for my two post-Pride days off was to clean the house, but I ended up completely muddled, exhausted, and unable to put tasks in order. I managed my aquafit yesterday, but couldn't swim today (I'm just too tired). This is why I try not to promise anything. I won't say "I promise to clean the house" because I'm often just not able to keep my promise.

The worst part of all this is that, while my body is on the verge of burnout, my brain continues with its nonsensical, rapid ramblings, switching from idea to idea, thought to thought. 

The good news is that I'm now on the titration list - titration is the next step in my ADHD journey where they try me on different doses of medication to work out which works best for me. The bad news is that the waiting list is 6 months long, and not the 12 weeks that I thought it was... but I've gone 37 years without ADHD medication, so what's another 6 months eh?

I'd better go and make dinner... hope I don't get distracted on the way downstairs!